Gay and Lesbian Coalition of Kenya

Falling in love in the closet

By: Mark Ninga, Social Media Intern, GALCK

How is falling in love in the closet?

It starts out as that one night you’re out with your friends, a few drinks then you happen to meet this friend you haven’t seen in a long while. You walk home together before you know it, it just happens. You kiss and it’s totally weird because it’s the first kiss you’ve ever had that feels so right and so real and it makes you feel so alive. The first kiss you don’t even have to ponder ‘oh I’m I doing this right?’ It just feels so right and to be honest it’s the first time in your life that it has ever felt right.

But then comes the worst part, nobody is courageous enough to admit it, nobody is willing to come clean and talk about the event that triggered you that night. Are they ghosting me? Am I ghosting them? Should I not have done that? Are they going to tell anyone? Are they even gay? Am I gay? So many questions left unanswered. You wake up thinking about it you go to bed thinking about, it becomes a part of your routine in the following days really. You’ve never been this happy but also nervous and scared and sad so many emotions all at the same time. Something that you’ve been wishing for so long just happened and you feel as good as it is might just be bad for you.

But then one of you finally decides to reach out and brings it up and you’re like ‘oh thank god’ And then you’re confused, should I apologize for kissing them but then it turns out both of you are gay. And just saying “I AM GAY” for the first time in your life out loud feels so incredible it’s like a weight has been lifted off your shoulders. So you start seeing each other more and more, you hangout more and you kiss more, time flies. And you’re still afraid but you are afraid together and to be honest that feels better than anything in the world. And suddenly you start thinking I’d love to be with this person all the time, “AM I IN LOVE?”

Love is a little complicated when you’re in the closet.

Love is hard to explain when it’s a secret.

Love is hard to explain when you can’t show it.

Love is hard to explain when you’re not allowed to explain it.

It’s hard. Really hard. So your life has to be slow and cautious and your love has to be reduced to, “just a friend, just a co-worker” Your love has to be non-existent.

But then you see other people’s love and their love is open, their love is free, their love is quick. The situation sucks you’re happy for them but deep down you’re a little jealous because why can’t you love someone so openly, why can’t your love just walk into the house and be accepted, why can’t your love matter?

You want to introduce this person so bad to your friends and family and be proud of the love that you have found, you want to post pictures of them and of yourselves just enjoying life, you want to show the world that you love this person but it just doesn’t feel like an option because it’s so heart-breaking and so hard to explain to people when they think it’s wrong but to you they mean everything so you don’t until you do.

Love is love!!

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