I was in form three in a boys only boarding school when I started receiving anonymous love notes placed in my locker. The person would tell me how much he loved me and how he was so attracted to me. I was not very social then and I did not have many friends so it was kind of a surprise.
I wondered whom it might be. I had grown up in a good family with loving parents, though my dad was a little distant emotionally. He would go to work and provided everything but we never really had much time together as father and son. He always compared me with my age-mates and was not always very proud of me especially when I did not get the best marks as he wanted.
Mum was very understanding and always there for us, for my sister and I. I was not the sporty type and I had this feminine voice so some of my friends would make fun of me. My sister was my friend and we did everything together until I left for boarding school. It was not easy at school what with the bullying and molestation by older students. I spent most times all alone.
The love notes kept coming and I waited for the secret admirer to reveal himself to me but he never did. I started to obsess over it. I would suspect a few friends who would always smile at me but none came up to me over it. So one day I decided to write a response note and I placed it in my locker. He sure found it and read it. something had happened to me. I was changing, or maybe this hidden part of me was coming out.
I started to fall for the idea. I loved the fact that someone out there cared for me so much. I wanted to be needed by someone. I wanted to be loved by someone, to be close to someone with whom I could share everything. This was my chance. What does he look like? Will I like him the same way? He had writen that he loved my smile, he loved the way I was always clean, he loved my name, and that he wished to spend everyday next to me.
I knew homosexuality was wrong and I would not imagine being friends with a gay friend. Yet here I was, feeling so thrilled that another boy had liked me so much and wanted to be intimate friends. One day it really happened. I was seated in church at my usual place in the middle row, and mass was about to begin. This handsome guy came and sat next to me. He smiled at me without saying a word, I smiled back and thought he must have been really friendly. I did not make much of it, until something else happened that was more shocking.
He crossed his arms along his waist, and rested his fingers on my thigh! It was brief but very gentle. I shrugged him off but we were seated really close together so we still touched. I don’t know what happened to me. I crossed my arms too and now my left hand was touching his right one. we brushed fingers against each other and lingered with it. It felt good. I wondered if this might be the secret friend I had always fantasized about after reading his love notes. I started to sweat and became nervous.I couldn’t look across to see him well enough, so I waited for the peace greeting to look at him properly. We both knew what was happening. Everything changed after that.
We left mass without saying a word to each other, but I knew he was a class ahead of me and had often seen him at my dorm with his classmates. The next few sundays we both avoided that seat but one evening, I was walking alone to the canteen when someone came up behind me and tapped my shoulder. It was him! He handed me some lollipops and said, “I bought you this!” I could not believe it. I was thrilled but very confused at the same time. What would this form four want from a form three?
That’s how it all began. We started to hang out and started to spend more time together. He was very nice to me. we would talk about everything. He would buy me gifts and defend me when anyone wanted to molest me. It didn’t take long before we started to kiss and touch sexually. We would sneak back to the dorm when everyone was away to masturbate together. I never thought I would ever be attracted sexually to another man. And here I was. At first we were both afraid of bringing it up at confession. We knew this was so wrong but still continued to receive the Eucharist. It was all moving too fast and furious
Later on we both graduated and my friend moved to attend college at Eldoret, and I to my university here in Kisii. We do chat frequently on whatsapp and we visit each other from time to time. He sends me his pictures and I spend so much time looking at them and masturbating with them. I found other gay friends over here and it became so normal to me. I am at this point in life where I just want to drop it all and get myself together but I just don’t know how to pick myself up.
I confessed it a few times but I kept falling back to it so I gave up. I hate myself so much. God will never forgive me. My sin is so big. My family doesn’t know, and even my roommate here in university has no idea. Healing is beyond me now, but don’t judge me please. I feel can’t stop. The sexual urge is so strong and I always lose control. I’m worried of contracting STIs but even that won’t keep me from my homosexual lifestyle. I have a different Facebook account for my gay friends and I use a secret name. I never wanted this for myself.
You are a special person to me, I just wanted to tell someone but I’m always so afraid. I’m afraid of being judged. My family would disown me. My friends would abandon me. I walk around with many ladies, always spending time taking selfies with them but it’s all a show so that my friends don’t judge me. My whole life is a mess. I’m just tired Salman. Please help me, pray for me.”
Well this is the story of a young man I met sometimes back and he became a very dear spiritual child of mine. I never knew he was going through so much though I had suspected as much. It took over two years to open up and tell me all these. Unfortunately it is not a story I have received once. It is the experience of a good number of teenagers. They need help and do not know where to start. I may have reached out to one or two but who will help the rest? It’s you dear friends in Christ. Catholics and non Catholic Christians alike. You must be Christ Jesus for these souls.
If someone is gay and is searching for the Lord and has good will, then who am I to judge him?
Show them compassion and heal them with God’s love. Teach them all that the Catholic church teaches about homosexual struggles. Let them know that someone can have same sex attractions and still lead a chaste life. Yes, it’s possible to be holy even if your daily cross is homosexual desires.
You may not have much control over your emotions dear little one, and therefore it’s NOT sinful to experience disordered feelings. The sin only comes in when you act according to the desires, but the desires themselves are simply a temptation for you. Your heavenly Father still loves you, he knows your unmet needs and all your struggles. Do not be afraid to come to him with your homosexual struggles. He is never ashamed of repentant sinners. He is not ashamed of you.
He says, “Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest.” Matthew 11:28
While everyone has experiences of sin and hopelessness, Pope Francis once encouraged Christians to never forget that “God is greater than our sin.” You may not overcome the feelings immediately, but you can become holy starting today by living a chaste life. You are called to embrace your daily cross of same sex attractions. Maybe God wants to use you in a greater way to bring healing to those who suffer like you. There are many Catholics around the world struggling with this just like you. We even have apostolates like Courage and enCourage which minister to catholics who struggle with gay attractions yet want to lead a holy life in Christ.
If you would like any kind of spiritual support, counselling or just to consult for a friend struggling with homosexual tendencies, then write to us today. You can fill this form or email us directly to bpslayministry@ and you will be provided with a whatsapp number you can use for secure chatting.
Pope Francis once said , “I prefer that homosexuals come to confession, that they stay close to the Lord, and that we pray all together. You can advise them to pray, show goodwill, show them the way, and accompany them along it.” He is also remembered for his infamous statement in a conference where a journalist asked a question about gays and he responded calmly, “If someone is gay and is searching for the Lord and has good will, then who am I to judge him?” . This is the Catholic attitude, the christian attitude, and we must all be persons of love whether it’s convenient or inconvenient.
For further reference on Christian teaching on this topic you can refer to
The Catechism of the Catholic Church CCC 2357-2359, The movie called Desire of the everlasting Hills which you can watch and download for free, and most importantly always read and meditate on the Word of God in the Bible your soul will be strengthened and refreshed. Remain blessed always in Jesus name!